It’s Up To Us

Warm Greetings from Introspective Family Therapy,

If you follow us on Instagram, you may have seen our post responding to the recent back-to-back mass shootings. In just 10 days, these crimes took over 30 lives, the lives of children, teachers, and our Black brothers and sisters. The total number of lives lost to mass shootings, so far in 2022, is beyond 200. Gun related deaths, including suicide and homicide, are nearing 18,000.

Government inaction has led to an American society in which people have greater access to firearms than mental healthcare. Every time we experience these senseless tragedies, politicians urge us not to “make it political.” How could the safety and well-being of a nation’s people not be political? It is their job to make the concerns of their citizens political issues, so they can be dealt with by the politicians we elected to protect us.

We need to demand greater accountability from those in power. We need to demand the change and reform that our children, families, and neighbors deserve.

As mental health professionals, we not only have an obligation to our clients, their families and to the personal injustices they face, but to standing up against injustice everywhere. We have a responsibility to broadly speak our clients’ truths to those in power, to advocate for a dire societal need for universally accessible mental healthcare and common-sense legislation that respects our rights, as well as our lives.

Introspective Family Therapy is committed to the change we wish to see in the world. We are committed to learning from each of you, from both the lightness and darkness of your experiences. We are committed to your well-being. We are committed to YOU.

Our practice is growing to meet our community’s growing need for health and healing. We are here to offer support, guidance, and resources, and to be shaped by your needs.

We leave you with a poem by Amanda Gorman, words that we have carried with us over the past week, that we hold in our hearts as we advocate for a better future for ALL of us.

---

Everything hurts,
Our hearts shadowed and strange,
Minds made muddied and mute.
We carry tragedy, terrifying and true.
And yet none of it is new;
We knew it as home,
As horror,
As heritage.
Even our children
Cannot be children,
Cannot be.

Everything hurts.
It’s a hard time to be alive,
And even harder to stay that way.
We’re burdened to live out these days,
While at the same time, blessed to outlive them.

This alarm is how we know
We must be altered —
That we must differ or die,
That we must triumph or try.
Thus while hate cannot be terminated,
It can be transformed
Into a love that lets us live.

May we not just grieve, but give:
May we not just ache, but act;
May our signed right to bear arms
Never blind our sight from shared harm;
May we choose our children over chaos.
May another innocent never be lost.

Maybe everything hurts,
Our hearts shadowed & strange.
But only when everything hurts
May everything change.

Amanda Gorman is a poet and author of “The Hill We Climb,” “Call Us What We Carry” and “Change Sings.”
(Courtesy of The New York Times)

The Keys to a Peaceful Apartment: 24 Ways to Practice Mindfulness

Thank you Redfin for featuring our sister practice Sol Wellness and Healing in your blog post — The Keys to a Peaceful Apartment: 24 Ways to Practice Mindfulness

A peaceful apartment is ideal for anyone looking to unwind. When times are stressful and chaotic, there’s nothing better than relaxing at home. From arranging your apartment to ease your thinking to practicing mindfulness from the moment you wake up, we reached out to experts from San Francisco, CA to Albany, NY to share their insights on how to find peace in your apartment. So if you’re seeking ways to relax and recharge, read on to see what they had to say.

There’s flexibility to practice mindfulness anywhere in your life

People often think you need to be pretzeled into a yogi position to practice mindfulness, but that's not true. The beauty of mindfulness is the flexibility to practice anywhere within your life. You can practice mindfulness whilst getting ready in the morning, sitting in your favorite sunny corner or when you're preparing dinner — as long as you're paying attention to the present moment, non-judgmentally then you're doing it — Chantelle, Authenticity coach at Piece by Piece Wellness

Create a space to recharge and refuel 

Whether you live alone or with a partner, making sure your space is aesthetically pleasing to you is important. Beautify your home in ways you think would be impressive to a visitor. Keep it clean as if you were expecting someone you really respect to walk in the door any second. Be sure the objects you keep make you feel good when you look at them and have a good memory associated with them. Play music to fit the activity you are partaking in, whether it's cooking, cleaning, relaxing, or reading a book. Smells are important, too. Incense, smudging with a sage stick, using an aromatherapy diffuser, or having extra smelly fresh flowers in a vase are all easy ways to add to the feel of your home. Your home should be your sacred safe place to recharge and refuel before going out into the unpredictable circumstances outside your door. Make sure you're able to decompress and feel energized when it's time to step out again. — Bernadine Rosso, Vision and Resilience Coach at Women Who Are Up To Something

Unwind with home workouts

Tabata workouts are the perfect mindful activity for small spaces. Your workout in 8 cycles of 30 seconds. Workout for 20 seconds, rest for 10 seconds. And repeat. — Dr. Cammy Froude, President of Bliss In Being, Inc.

Visualize light throughout your day

Upon entering your apartment, close your eyes and visualize white light filling the space from top to bottom and wall to wall. Listen to either nature music or Humpback whales’ songs for emotional peace. During the daytime, allow in natural light, and in the evening, have low lights for a sense of ambiance and calmness. Practice equalized breathing – breathe in at the same count as you breathe out, breathing deeper into the lungs at each inhale while making the claim that your space belongs to you and no one else. — Empowerment Through Healing

See your space with fresh eyes

“Stone walls do not a prison make, Nor iron bars a cage.” Clearly, Richard Lovelace’s poem wasn’t talking about an apartment, but it could be if your perspective begins to erode. Let’s face it, the only difference between a rainy day and a sunny day is that one is wet, the other isn't. The point is that everything in life just "is." Nature, life, sunny days, rainy days, and yes, even small apartments. But these are neither good nor bad – they just are. We, humans, determine good, bad, positive, or negative. It's called perspective. It’s not life, but how you interpret life — your perspective — that makes all the difference. Try seeing your “space” with fresh eyes and an open mind. - Joseph Luciani, Ph.D. at Self Coaching

Bring the biophilic aesthetic to your space

Connect with nature by bringing a biophilic aesthetic to your space. Creating an environment that incorporates a biophilic design — think natural color palette, nature wall art, plants (real or artificial), and relics from nature (stones, shells, and geometric forms) has been shown to enhance health and wellbeing. Being more intentional about your physical space creates mental space for you to focus on your holistic wellness. — Lora Devries, Intentional Living, and Biophilic Aesthetic Expert

Tips for a peaceful apartment

1. Your living space plays a significant role in how you sleep, think, feel, and function. Think about lighting, colors, patterns, and the design of your space. Keep it light, airy, open, and welcoming. You want your space to support clear thinking and generate elevated moods to promote relaxation and recharge.

2. Designate places for specific activities. For example, create an ambiance for where you’d want to meditate and do daily affirmations. It’s best to select a corner that gets some sunlight, near a window or a balcony. 

3. Crystals are an incredible addition to your place. I love Selenite because it has many healing properties that are amazing to have near you. Selenite clears out stagnant energy, creates a calming and peaceful feeling, and releases negativity. It’s perfect to have around you and your other crystals. 

— Haleh Gianni, Certified Life Coach, and Founder of 505 Living

Meditation can create a spacious mind

In the same way, it’s easy for our living space to become cluttered, so too can our mind become cluttered with criticism, judgments, and shoulds. Try sitting for 10 or 15min savoring the sensation of your natural breath or listening to a guided meditation and when you come out of your meditation use that clutter-free mind to rearrange your space. You may be surprised how a spacious mind can help create a more spacious environment. — Heather Wise, MPH, and Co-Founder of Skillful Means

Unwind with a spa night 

Turn bath time into a spa experience by hanging some fresh eucalyptus from your local flower shop from the shower (it keeps for about 7 -12) and allow the steam from the shower to create a true aromatherapy experience. Add some soothing music via your phone or music streaming service for an added boost to your curated spa time. Take notice and reflect on your thoughts and feelings after the shower in comparison to how you were feeling before for a truly restorative mindful experience. — Paula McMillan-Perez, LCSW and Founder/Coaching Director of Personalize Your Coaching, LLC

Prioritize different mindful techniques

You don’t need a fancy, spacious meditation room to practice mindfulness when living in an apartment. Mindfulness is about bringing yourself into present awareness and can be practiced in so many apartment-friendly ways. Some of my favorite practices include doing belly breathing while I cook or clean, using scented candles to remind myself to breathe and be present. As well as meditating for short moments regardless of where I’m sitting (a minute makes a difference), and pausing to reflect on what I’m feeling grateful for whenever I see the clock hit 1:11 or 11:11. The key is to prioritize techniques that are simple and don’t need lots of space. — Ritu Bhasin, award-winning life coach, empowerment speaker, author, inclusion expert, president, and founder of bhasin consulting inc.

Surround yourself with things you love in your apartment

We can regulate our emotional states quickly by accessing our sensory system (senses) in any size space we live in. Create an area using fabrics that feel good on your skin, scents you enjoy smelling, music or sounds that are appealing, and sunshine in a window or candlelight that is visually pleasing. These things immediately regulate and calm your nervous system so you can be ready to meditate or participate in a wellness practice no matter what size space you have. — Sol Wellness and Healing & Education

Incorporate nature into your apartment

Fill empty corners of your space with living plants and enjoy the feeling of bringing a little bit of nature indoors. Notice how you feel when you look at them each day, breathe deeply and mindfully each time. Plants not only filter the air of smaller spaces but have been shown to have a positive impact on wellbeing and mindset — Mata Wellbeing

Take a moment out of your day to explore your emotions 

If you've been struggling, defying, hurting, discontented, feeling like quitting, these are some forms of dissatisfaction. If you have felt any of these, try to practice mindfulness with these difficult feelings as you go about your day. Sit down in the distraction-free corner of your apartment, and put your attention on how your difficulty feels. Explore the emotion instead of avoiding it. After a minute or two of just keeping your attention on this feeling of the fray, give yourself kindness, as you would comfort a friend who was struggling or in pain. If you haven’t struggled with anything recently, find other difficult feelings you’ve encountered and practice mindfulness with them. — Prokensho

Add a breathwork routine to your lifestyle

Regardless of where you live, you always have a powerful tool available to you — your breath. Your breathwork routine can be as simple as taking a few mindful breaths first thing in the morning. While you’re still in bed, take a few deep breaths slowly, really focusing on being present in the moment and sensations in your body (i.e. air flowing through your nostrils, your lungs expanding, your belly softening, etc.). Stretch and smile, and just like that, you are off to a good start to the day. — peaceinside.me

Incorporate a yoga corner in your apartment

Create a space of calm or a yoga and meditation corner in your apartment that is bright, quiet, clean, and sacred. If you don’t have a big space, a yoga mat can be just the perfect space on the floor to start your mindfulness practice. Check out our eco-friendly yoga mats inspired by nature, to help bring the outdoors into your home. Bring the feeling of being in a rainforest, on top of a mountain, or by the ocean. Breathe into your space, let your mind and imagination connect you to the ‘Aina, our mother earth. — AINASANA

Write letters to your inner self

Write a letter to someone you admire (you are not sending this letter). List all the reasons you admire them in letter form and be detailed. Sign the letter and cross out the person's name and replace it with yours and read it back to yourself. The good you see in others is also in you. — Propel Active Health & Lifestyle

Focus on something you love in your apartment

Mindfulness is all about finding ways to be present, simply enjoying what is, so focus on something you love in your space at this moment: try a longer shower than usual, take a couple of hours to bake something that makes the apartment smell homey and amazing, open a window, close your eyes, and smell the fresh air for a few minutes. Self-care doesn’t have to be fancy, and it’s not about “shoulds,” so don’t assume you need a lot — of space or money — to make it happen. — Kourtney Thomas, CSCS,*D, Self Discovery Strategist

Start your day off on a positive note

Self-care and mindfulness create a ripple effect. When you make space to care for yourself, you set a positive example for your friends, partner, children, etc. By pouring into your own cup, you give others permission to take care of themselves, too. Journaling truly has the power to help you transform and gain clarity around your goals, boost self-confidence, manifest your dreams, reduce anxiety, and so much more. 

You can journal anywhere and is an especially apartment-friendly self-care activity. Stream of consciousness journaling is a mindfulness practice that helps release anxiety, frustration, and overwhelm. Journaling helps us process our emotions and thoughts that are happening “behind the scenes” that we might not be fully aware of yet. This type of writing is unstructured, unapologetic, and boundaryless. Start your day off on a positive, mindful note by journaling. Journal everything on your mind for a few minutes in the morning. You can get started by writing down any thoughts, fears, worries, emotions, tasks, challenges, or intentions for the day that you have. The goal here is to not sensor or judge yourself for anything that flows out onto paper. — Samantha Melendez McManus, Certified Professional Coach + Consultant of Samantha Melendez Coaching

Carve out spaces in your apartment that are solely yours

Practice self-care by carving out spaces that reflect your unique identity, no matter who you share your space with. When I became a mom, our apartment bedroom seemed taken over by a changing table, diaper pail, and baby clothes. I decided to claim the space above my dresser as all my own. I added framed prints from my favorite artist, a bud vase, and a lamp my husband made for me when we were dating. Having space that was all my own helped me to feel more peace about sharing everything else. — Charissa Pomrehn, Self Care Coach at Brave Self Care

Maintain an organized apartment

Organization can go a long way when it comes to self-care. Creating a variety of unique and organized spaces dedicated to your self-care goals is a great way to transform a small place and make it your own. Consider getting some fun and decorative organization bins and shelving to organize your work materials. Having a dedicated place to put your computer and professional items away, can really help create work-life boundaries. — Helene Simons, Founder, and PsyD of Simons Therapy

Creating a peaceful apartment will help you on your journey

Space is everything, you want an apartment that empowers and relaxes you. Think of your apartment as a living entity that is also assisting you on this life journey. Your personal intimate assistant. Take your time to intentionally choose an apartment and items that your heart and body respond well to. This way it will feel natural to take care of yourself because your environment naturally cares for you. — Rosie Blanc, Business Coach, Personal Coach, Consultant, and Speaker at Transformative Rose

Incorporate elements that satisfy each sense

When practicing mindfulness in an apartment, it's important to incorporate elements that you can appreciate with all of your senses. 

• Consider bringing the outside in with live plants. Include a small water element, a diffuser of natural essential oils, window treatments that allow natural sunlight, and cozy blankets and throws.

• Create a unique, designated area for your morning yoga and meditation by creating a small altar with candles, crystals, and your vision board that is inviting and supports your practice. 

• Play calming music in the background while you work. And play songs that are energizing when you take breaks throughout the day. 

— Ardelian Kuzma Group

Enjoy your apartment in the present 

Does apartment living feel like a temporary layover on your way to your real house and life? This way of thinking can often make you feel like a visitor in your own apartment with boxes full of your past left unpacked and projects left for the future. Here are three ways you can live more mindfully right now:

1. Gratitude: I practice finding at least one thing in my apartment you’re in love with, like my doors that separate spaces… breathe it in, savor it, feel it, thank it.

2. Be Intentional: I intentionally curate a space that helps me feel my haecceity (what makes you, you, your isness) like putting beautiful things up on my walls with command hooks.

3. Breathe: Whether I’m doing dishes, watching TV, or just lying in bed I practice being mindful at the moment no matter what with acceptance. The easiest way to practice is to connect with your breath.

— The Practice Center

Be more aware of your surroundings

One mindfulness practice for living in an apartment is to be more aware of the sounds and smells around you. Tune in to the sound of people walking by, cars driving by, and sirens wailing in the distance. Notice the smell of food cooking, perfume, and exhaust. This practice will help you to live more in the present moment and appreciate your surroundings.

1. First, focus on your breathing as you climb the stairs.

2. Next, pay attention to your feet as you place them on each step and how they feel as they move up and down the steps.

3. Finally, notice your surroundings and the sounds you hear as you go up and down the stairs.

— Shelly Lynott, CHt., Certified Life Coach and Certified Hypnotherapist of Your Online Life Coach

Redefining “Alone”: Finding Solitude Through the Holiday Season

Written by Rachel Lee, ALMFT

You’re sitting at the dinner table with your family whom you’ve been quarantined with for the past eight months. You find yourself feeling restless and craving for some space of your own. Yet, with stay-at-home orders in place, your social interactions outside the home have been limited, stirring a sense of disconnection. You’re confused. What is this difference between loneliness and solitude? 

We cannot deny the pandemic has changed the landscape of social interaction and the way we connect with each other. With social distancing and phased regulations in Chicago, we have been challenged to practice flexibility and adapt to working around these unprecedented constraints. Many of you know loved ones who were required to quarantine alone, or grandparents and immunocompromised individuals who were unable to attend even intimate family gatherings. This distancing has arguably accelerated and intensified loneliness throughout the city. Loneliness has long been a part of the human wheel of emotional experience, and yet one misconception must be addressed: the act of being alone does not signify loneliness. Let’s dissect this further. 

So what’s the difference?

Loneliness is the state of sadness, pain, emptiness and being or feeling alone in these painful feelings. Often, it is draining in energy, and may cause us to feel unwanted, unloved, and rejected. Loneliness can lead to a feedback loop of negative self talk and feelings of abandonment. You can be surrounded by people and experience loneliness. Loneliness is not chosen. 

Solitude is the state of being alone without experiencing loneliness. It is the idea of setting aside personal time and space to reflect and engage with our authentic selves. It restores energy. It is a space where one can grow in self-awareness, access new insights and practice creativity. It is an opportunity to refresh perspective. Solitude is chosen.  Sometimes we can choose solitude which can sometimes move us away from being lonely. We can be companions to ourselves.

The major distinction is how you think about being alone. What are the notions you have been raised with around spending time with yourself by yourself? Do you have models of creating solitude, and can you recognize when you need solitude?

How do I recognize when I need alone time?

Recognizing when you need time alone varies for everyone. Several indicators of needing time away and apart from daily hustles and demands of life may be increased patterns of irritability, a sense of restlessness, high stress levels, losing sight of purpose and goals, heightened anxiety, and dullness and fatigue. Times of solitude can allow for a healthier social life by virtue of practicing contentment with spending time alone. It allows you to breathe. To check in with yourself. To reboot. However, this is contingent on intention. How is it that you want to spend your time? Even 15-20 minutes of alone time can refresh your clarity of mind and rejuvenate your body. 

How to talk with family about it?

With the ongoing pandemic, many are quarantined with family or roommates. If you are quarantined with family, it may be difficult to find space and time alone. The first piece is to recognize that every family member has different needs and expresses them differently. Having a family conversation on each person’s patterns and needs for alone time can foster a more respectful and understanding environment, honoring each member. Setting boundaries with family members can be a difficult conversation that heavily depends on your cultural context and family customs, and yet it is necessary with the intention of seeking space and uninterrupted time alone. This can prevent resentment among family members. In speaking with children about boundaries, parents can give the child an activity to do with a time frame, and explain when they can knock or call for their caregiver if they need help. Having a conversation with your partner about taking shifts in parenting can also allow for caregivers to regroup independently. 

What can I do during solitude?

Practicing solitude may not come easy at first.

1. Be compassionate with yourself in the process and allow yourself to notice your emotions. You may not like spending time alone at first, and that’s okay. With the restrictions of the pandemic, we have been pushed to access our creativity, and it has not been easy. 

2. Embrace the present moment. To cultivate a love for solitude, you must embrace the present moment. In therapy, we call this mindfulness. Checking in with your five senses is a mindful way of experiencing your surroundings. Notice something you can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell.
Whether you are practicing solitude inside or outside, try doing something you enjoy that does not require an electronic device. With increasing stimuli and addictive qualities of technology, it can be difficult to connect with yourself while you are glued to the screens.

3. Try doing something you enjoy. It is easier to spend alone time when you enjoy a favorite pastime or childhood hobby that you have not visited in a while. Below are several ways you can try practicing solitude. 

Finding solitude at home:

• Bake or cook your favorite dish

• Sit with a journal and notice what comes to mind. Jot down or draw your thoughts and emotions. What has 2020 taught you? What do you grieve?

• Light a candle or the fireplace and observe the flames - how does it sound? Smell? How does the warmth feel? What does the light look like?

• Compile a list of people, places, and experiences you are grateful for in the year of 2020.

• Sit by the window and observe what you see. 

• Play dress up

Finding solitude outdoors:

• Take a walk in nature if possible. Studies show that walking in nature can lower stress levels.

• Go for a drive

• Observe the clouds - notice the shapes and color of the sky

• Listen for birds and sounds of the city 

• Take yourself out for coffee. Grab a coffee and sit in the park 

• Walk into a flower shop and notice the colors, shapes, sizes and smells of the different flowers.

What if I still feel lonely?

It’s ok to feel lonely and also need solitude. If you are struggling with feeling alone in your painful feelings, then reach out to someone with whom you can share your struggles. Seek out a therapist to help you understand those feelings deeper.  In these isolating times, we all experience loneliness, but we also may have to take action and reach out for help so we do not spin in a negative downward spiral.   

2020 has been a year of challenge and change. With the new year around the corner and a fresh decade, we have weathered through immense transitions and may continue to do so. Some of us may be spending this season with our families. Others of us may not be afforded that privilege. Regardless, times of solitude are essential to a healthy mind, body, and spirit. During this holiday season, I implore you to practice solitude. Set intentional time apart with yourself for yourself. Remember who you are and what your dreams are.